Worse, your journal makes you feel sick.
After journaling for years in pen, pencil, crayon, and whatever else there was, I can't write on paper anymore. The desire is gone, and worse, it makes me get the same feeling that I used to when I was home sick from school watching ET for the 100th time.
This wasn't sudden. This has been coming on for two years or so. My journal sits next to my bed. It used to sit on the top shelf of the stand I have there, when I used to write in it all the time. Like most, I think, I used it to write all the things that I couldn't say, for whatever reason. One would wrongly think that I had no desire to write. The desire was there, but the thought of writing in my journal was so unappealing, it made me feel sick. Not literally, just that feeling you get...that stuffy, unnatural feeling. I was repulsed by my own journal.
So, I got a new journal. Journals die. It didn't help. It made it worse. I wrote less and less and less. I had to force myself to open it. If there was any distraction, no matter how small, I felt an overwhelming urge to attend to it. What's the problem?
Then I thought for a while that maybe I was saying all that I had to say. That could be the answer, right? It makes a lot of sense. If I don't feel like writing, then I must have nothing that needs to be placed from my mind onto the page. I must be getting better at communicating what I think to the people I mean to tell it to. This idea satisfied me for a week or so.
That was it.
Now, my journal is on the bottom shelf next to the bed, and it isn't even on my side of the bed. Last time I forced myself to pick it up, there wan't even a pen in it. That alone was enough of a distraction that I just closed it and put it back, dust and all.
So, I've been stuck with all this stuff normally transfered onto paper and then sorted out or forgotten about in my head. It's not really fair to make my boyfriend listen to it as I sort it out, with him as my audience instead of the paper. And maybe it isn't fair for me to put it up here, but on the reccomendation (well not quite, she just showed me the site) of a friend, maybe this will be the next way that get all that stuff sorted out.